Insert Your Favorite Expletive Here
by Emma O'Leary
Summary: Bella is pissed off and looking for a little catharsis with her best friend, Alice. Who's the target of her anger? Jacob. What's she going to do about it? Alice has a plan.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is not a song fic, but it was inspired by Hailee Steinfeld's "You're Such A." Good song. Also, this is going to be a very short story, two or three chapters tops. Hope you enjoy and hope it makes you laugh.**

 **Chapter 1**

"Damn, he's such a- "

"Difficult little devil."

"I mean, can you believe this? Of all the- I mean, seriously! God, he's the world's biggest- "

"Dandelion."

"I really could ring his neck! I should vandalize his car! Or spread a rumor he has a really small p- "

"Pickle."

"Alice!"

"Bella! Little ears are listening." She jerked her chin toward the little bundle of pink, tulle, and glitter giggling away on the living room carpet. She tucked her feet under her on the couch where we were sitting. "And believe me, they hear and repeat everything Mommy and Auntie Bella say." She glanced again at her daughter, Ainsley, who was busy building a tower out of brightly colored blocks. "Plus, Jasper will kill me if I teach her any more words he doesn't consider 'appropriate.' I swear, I didn't even try to teach her yolo!"

I huffed out a breath. "Well, you're making it really hard for me to have a cathartic experience here. Can't you tell I need to vent!" I raised my eyes to the ceiling and prayed for patience. I prayed for patience with the G-rated conversation I needed to have. I prayed that Jake got a speeding ticket, a flat tire, and diagnosed with gonorrhea all in the same day. Mostly, I prayed that after talking to Alice, I wouldn't hunt Jake down and kick him so hard he'd be singing soprano.

"Ok," Alice sighed, patting my hand. "Start from the beginning. When you first came in, you were screeching in a register even I couldn't understand."

I took a deep breath. "Jake, that mother- "

"Flubber."

"-told my dad that we were getting married! I mean, we broke up six months ago! How could he be this delusional? That b- "

"Bottom feeder." At this point, Ainsley had decided it was more fun to dump out the entire container of blocks on top of herself and was waving her arms around with a big grin on her face as she sat amongst the chaos.

"-had the nerve to cheat on me with that wh- "

"Homely woman."

"-and now he's trying to crawl back into my life? Now he's pretending he's my fiancé?"

I let out a growl that caused Ainsley to look towards me with concern. At 18 months, she was remarkably aware of the world around her. She stood and teetered toward me, reaching her hands up when she got near the couch. I reached down and picked her up, holding her against me. I felt calmer with her in my arms. She handed me a block and then wiggled to be let down again.

Alice smiled as she watched Ainsley go back to playing with her blocks. "She takes after Jasper so much. I swear, it's like she can sense when you need a hug," she said with pride. She looked back toward me, sobering slightly. "Charlie called you?" She knew I had a strict reject and ignore policy when it came to Jake's calls, texts, emails, bouquets of flowers…

"Yeah, he called wondering what the h- "

"Helium."

"-is going on." I paused and then continued, a twinge of guilt running through me. "When it happened, I never really told him why." Alice looked at me questioningly. "I didn't- I mean- Billy's his best friend! I didn't want it to hurt their friendship." Not to mention, Jake was like a son to him. He always joked how nice it was to have someone who appreciated manly things like fishing.

"Oh, Bella. You know he would have wanted to know! He would have kicked Jake's butt happily for hurting you. I always wondered why he'd drop hints about you getting back together. I should have known you'd do something like this."

"Yeah, well, he knows now. He called to congratulate me and chide me for not telling him myself. I was so furious at Jake that I kind of word vomited all this bull sh- "

"Shitake."

"-all over him. I thought he might have a stroke. Needless to say, he's mailing me a new can of pepper spray in case Jake gets any bright ideas."

Alice and I giggled a bit as the memory of my dad giving Alice and I a talk when we were in high school about these "bright ideas" that boys always had. It was the day he showed us how to use pepper spray and made us practice in the yard behind my house using an old stump as a target. It was also the day he presented each of us with a bright pink pepper spray keychain to carry with us always.

I sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. I didn't know what to do. My anger was ebbing, but I was still clueless as to where to go from here. That's why I had come to Alice. That's why I had braved the land of princesses and tutus in my distressed state. I loved Ainsley and being Auntie Bella, but right now I needed wine and I needed expletives. I fixed Alice with my best wide-eyed, bambiesque look.

"Ali, what do I do?"

She looked at me thoughtfully, pondering her response.

"You don't want him back," she stated in a clarifying way. I shook my head vigorously. "You want him to know, without a doubt, that you are done with him. Moving on with your life. Starting a new chapter, sans Jake." I nodded my head vigorously.

A wicked smile flitted across her face. It was the same one she wore sophomore year of high school right before we got caught filling the sexist P.E. teacher's car with water balloons. He really should have remembered to close his sunroof. It was the same one she had on before she kidnapped me for an impromptu trip to Vegas for my 21st birthday. It was the same one she had on her face right before she pushed the snotty cheerleader into the mud puddle on the quad junior year of college. That was my first and only appearance as a mud wrestler. It was also how Alice caught Jasper's attention. Apparently, she does a mean pile driver.

It was a smile that both electrified and terrified me. Alice had a plan.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Oh yeah, I don't own Twilight. Just taking some of the characters out to play with for a while. I'm sure you were anxiously awaiting Edward's appearance. Don't worry. I won't make you wait long. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Chapter 2**

Four hours later, it was happy hour, Jasper was home with Ainsley, and Alice and I were at a bar frequented by the after work, suit and tie crowd.

As part of her plan, Alice had crammed me into a teeny, tiny, little black dress and stiletto heels. I looked, according to her, like "sex on legs." This, of course, was a quintessential part of the plan.

Perched on my stool at one of the high top tables, I scanned the bar slowly, looking for the other quintessential part of Alice's brilliant plan.

"What about him?"

"Too short."

"How about the one by the bar?"

"Eww, no."

This conversation had been going on for about 30 minutes, and I was on my third glass of wine.

"How about the guy in the Hawaiian shirt?"

"He's like 60!"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Don't worry. I'll know him when I see him."

"Shouldn't it be my choice, Ali? After all, I'm the one…"

"Oh tosh. You would have picked the first guy you saw just to get this over with. He has to be perfect. Patience is a virtue, my young grasshopper." Alice may have been on her third glass of wine as well.

All of a sudden, she gasped. I followed her gaze and couldn't help a gasp of my own. There, in the doorway of the bar, was one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen. He wore his charcoal gray suit with confidence, grace, and a professional air. To counteract this all-business image, his reddish brown locks were a riot and the antithesis of everything his suit tried to proclaim. It was the kind of hair you wanted to run your fingers through… Or tug while he moaned in ecstasy…

I shook my head to clear it, even as my eyes automatically followed him to the bar where he took up residence on an empty stool and ordered a drink.

I watched as he brought the beer to his lips, mesmerized.

Alice cleared her throat, and I snapped my head towards her.

"He's the one," she declared.

I gulped in a breath and then another. I was on my way to hyperventilating when Alice forcibly grabbed my shoulders and made me look at her.

"Bella, what do you want?"

"I want Jacob to know that we're done."

"What else?"

"I want to move on with my life."

"Ok, then, repeat after me. I am a sexy bitch."

I rolled my eyes at Alice and repeated with decidedly less enthusiasm, "I am a sexy bitch."

"I can have any guy I want."

"I can have any guy I want."

"And I choose him."

I hesitated, but Alice shot a glare at me that brokered no disagreement. "And I choose him."

"Go get him, tiger." She slapped my ass as I stood and squared my shoulders. I threw a little sway into my steps, the wine loosening my gait, as I made my way across the bar towards the handsome stranger.

I could tell the exact moment he noticed my approach. His head and then the rest of his body turned to give me his undivided attention. His eyes moved from my face down my body, and an appreciative smile flitted across his face.

And then, suddenly, I was directly in front of him. I placed my arm on his forearm and leaned in to speak into his ear so he could hear me over the din of the bar. His lips parted expectantly. As I drew in a breath, I could smell his cologne. He smelled delicious.

"I was wondering if you could do me a favor," I uttered in a low, sultry voice I didn't recognize.

"Anything." His voice was husky as well. His eyes were green like the grass in spring time. I stared into them, momentarily stunned by his admission.

"Kiss me."

I watched his eyes widen, and then he moved, standing up from his stool. Slowly, like he was expecting me to pull away or tell him I was just kidding, he raised one hand to the back of my neck and slid the other around my waist. He pressed his hand against my lower back, molding my body against his. His fingers moved up my neck to thread themselves through my hair. The whole time he stared deeply into my eyes as if he could decipher my soul.

 _Damn,_ I thought to myself. _This is already the most erotic kiss I have ever received and we haven't even got to the kissing part yet._

Maintaining eye contact, he lowered his lips toward mine, tilting my head toward him. At the last possible second, my eyes slipped closed.

The heat from his lips sent a tingle down my body. I shivered in his embrace. His lips moved against mine, chastely at first, then with more fervor. His tongue slipped out and I met it with mine. My arms, now around him, clutching his back, pulled us even closer together. I was lost. I heard him moan against me and heat flooded my body from head to toe.

I was unaware of how much time had passed when a clicking sound brought me back to reality. I slowly disengaged from the beautiful man, reluctantly pulling my face back several inches. I noticed that we kept the rest of our bodies plastered together. His hand continued to apply pressure on lower back. Apparently, he wasn't ready for our moment to end either.

Turning my head slightly to the left, I saw Alice, my phone in her hand, snapping away at the two of us. This, of course, was the final, quintessential part of the plan. The plan which had flown out of my mind the moment my lips touched his. Alice was grinning madly at me, finally lowering my phone, because, I assume, she had got all the pictures she wanted. She sauntered forward, pulled one of my hands away from his body, and placed my phone into it.

"The rest is up to you," Alice chimed with a chuckle. Then, she turned and disappeared into the crowd.

My gaze, drawn like a magnet, returned to his. Surprisingly, he was smiling at me. Surprisingly, he wasn't freaking out that a stranger had propositioned him and then had her friend take pictures of them making out.

"I can explain," I whispered, a hair's breadth away from his lips. His smile turned into a smirk, and he once more pressed his lips against mine lightly.

"Let me get you a drink and you can tell me all about it."

I couldn't help smiling warmly back at him as I released my death grip on his suit jacket. He, in turn, loosened his hold on my and motioned to an adjacent bar stool. He raised an eyebrow at me in question, and I requested a glass of red wine. He motioned to the bartender, ordered my drink, and then looked at me expectantly.

 _I can do this,_ I thought to myself. _You just had your tongue down his throat, no need to get shy now. Just tell him your story._ I looked down at my hands that minutes before had been pulling a total stranger against me with abandon. I glanced up at him and immediately connected with his inquisitive green eyes. _Damn,_ I mused, temporarily side tracked from my goal, _he really is beautiful._

As I gazed at him, a glass of wine appeared before us. He handed it to me and raised his glass. Automatically, I raised mine as well. "To unexpected encounters," he said, breaking the silence that had fallen between us.

I giggled. "You make it sound like you came across an alien life form."

His smile turned sheepish, and he blushed. I fell a little more in lust with him in that moment.

"Well, then what do you suggest?"

I pressed my finger to my lips in mock thought. His eyes followed the digit with intense interest. I smirked at him. "To pleasurable introductions and accommodating strangers."

"I can drink to that." We clinked our glasses together. "I want to rectify the last part, however." In a move that seemed to belay the intimacy of our meeting, he stuck out his hand. "Edward. Edward Cullen."

Grasping his hand in mine, I responded, "Bella Swan." He captured my hand in both of his, returning intimacy to the gesture. He stroked my hand with his. I sighed, leaning closer to him, drawn by some invisible force. I drew in a breath, his delicious scent filling my nose and lungs once again due to his close proximity. "I owe you an explanation." He released my hand reluctantly and reached for his beer.

"Not that I don't enjoy kissing beautiful women," he trailed off, taking a sip of his drink, and it was my turn to blush. "But usually I know their names first."

"Would you believe this started with a spilled cup of coffee?" My mind drifted back to that day six months ago. The sting of the day had faded. I had been honest with Alice. I was ready to move on with my life. I would always be hurt by what Jake did, but it was like a long healed wound that only aches before a big rain storm. A ghost of the original pain brought out by rare circumstances. He didn't have the power to hurt me anymore. That thought gave me power. I smiled at Edward.

"You should know, I'm kind of a clutz." He smirked at my comment, his eyes traveling down to the death traps on my feet. He quirked an eyebrow at me. "I know, I know! I'm not as bad as I was in high school, but I usually don't subject myself to these." He chuckled at my declaration.

"Why tonight?"

"They were part of Alice's plan." When he looked confused, I ran one of my stiletto-clad feet up and down his leg seductively. "The plan," I said again, emphasizing the word plan. His eyes widened in understanding. "But we're getting ahead of ourselves."

"So a spilled cup of coffee?"

"Yep. I was driving to work, trying to get my caffeine fix, when I hit a pothole the size of Texas and spilled coffee all over my shirt." I took a sip of wine. "I had a little time and my current boyfriend's apartment was closer than mine. We were at the leaving-some-stuff-at-each-other's-places stage of our relationship." A thought struck me. "Jake was actually trying to convince me to move in with him. Thank God I never gave in."

"So you stopped by his place?" Edward's face was showing his understanding of the story that was about to unfold.

"So I let myself in with the key he insisted I have- I swear, he was trying to get caught. Regardless of his intentions, that's exactly what happened. I caught them together, and the rest, as they say, is history." I hadn't slinked away quietly. There had been yelling and breaking of breakable objects. The woman in question, who I knew, who knew Jake and I were together, had been together for over a year after he finally convinced me to go on a date with him, got a piece of my mind as well. It was cathartic, and there were plenty of expletives involved.

While I had been reminiscing about Jake and Lauren's well deserved dressing down, Edward's expression had become somewhat stilted, as if he were forcing himself to hold the smile on his face.

Before I could ask, he queried, "So this was revenge for him cheating on you?" He seemed disappointed by this, why I couldn't fathom, but I couldn't help but burst out laughing at his assumption. His expression changed to one of confusion.

"God, no!" I managed to get out as the chuckles petered out.

"Really?" The relief was evident in his voice.

"Yeah, that was six months ago. I am over that, over him."

His smile was true. I couldn't help but smile back at him like a fool.

"So, why?" The curiosity was back, and the way he looked at me gave me warm, fuzzy feeling that had nothing to do with the wine.

"After I dumped him- loudly- Jake refused to accept it. He kept calling, telling me we were 'meant to be.' I started ignoring his calls and texts when he wouldn't take a hint. Today, Jake decided to tell my dad that we were getting married because apparently his delusions have reached epidemic proportions."

"And that led you here?"

"Well that led me to my friend, Alice, who came up with a plan to show Jake once and for all that I was moving on without him."

While I had been telling my story, Edward and I had been gravitating closer and closer, our knees pressed together, our heads almost touching. He was looking into my eyes as he reached out a hand to caress my knee. My eyes drifted closed at the pleasure of his touch.

"And are you? Moving on?" His breath caressed my cheek. I swallowed.

"Yes." I opened my eyes because I couldn't not look at his beautiful face. He was so close.

"What happens now?"

"Now, the final step of the plan." I looked down at my phone that rested on the bar in front of me. "I send him a picture of us. Visual proof that will hopefully knock some sense into him."

"Can I help you pick?"

I nodded my assent. I picked up my phone and opened my photos, holding it so we both could see the screen. Edward moved closer, pressing his body against mine under the pretense of getting a better view. At least, I hoped it was pretense.

What I saw made me flush with heat that had nothing to do with embarrassment. We were hot. Alice had caught us before we kissed. We were staring at each other with such passion, we looked as if we wanted to devour each other. If I didn't know better, I would never believe it was our first kiss. I flipped through the pictures slowly, hyper aware of Edward's body pressed to mine. His breath seemed more ragged than before. I'm sure mine wasn't much better.

"That one. And that one."

I selected the two he had indicated- one where we were entwined together and one just after we had pulled away, our bodies still pressed together, our lips millimeters apart. There was a tenderness in both our expressions that was clearly not born of time or experience. I had no explanation for it.

I opened a text message to Jake, whose contact information had been changed to Dickhead by Alice. Edward chuckled at the name. Without hesitation, I sent the photos out with a swoosh. Then, I powered down the phone and set it back on the bar.

"To moving on."

I turned my head to respond, and Edward captured my lips with his. I found myself swept into a kiss with just as much passion as the first. My body turned more fully into his. My hands snaked from his chest, up his neck, and into his hair. His tongue caressed mine and sent tingles down my spine. I couldn't resist tugging on his hair just like I fantasized about. I was not disappointed. He moaned into my mouth, and the vibrations added a new layer to the kiss and caused heat to pool deep inside me.

Breathing soon became a necessity, and I pulled back reluctantly.

"Of all the gin joints," he murmured against my lips.

"In all the towns, in all the world," I whispered.

"You walk into mine," he finished, paraphrasing the end of the quote. His eyes searched mine. For what, I wasn't sure, but he found it. A look of determination came over his face.

"Bella," he paused, "would you go out to dinner with me? Tomorrow?"

I stared at this beautiful man who I was still plastered against. I didn't know where he lived. I didn't know where he worked. I didn't know his favorite color, if he was close to his parents, if he has a dog, likes Thai food, or enjoys bad movies. I didn't know if he drank coffee, if he had an overwhelming passion for buffalo wings, or read books about teenage vampires. I knew nothing about him except his name, the fact that he can quote Casablanca, and the way he makes me feel.

He made me feel alive and ready for whatever life threw at me next.

I looked back into his eyes that were searching my face like he was trying to read my mind. I grinned at the thought. A crease appeared between his eyebrows, and I reached up to smooth it away. With a grin still in place, I cleared my throat.

"How do you feel about Thai food?"

The smile on his face said it all. I may not know much about him, but I wanted to find out. I was moving on with my life and I chose him.


End file.
